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May 11, 2012
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Fudge


   I felt them as soon as I had Apparated.
   The Dementors. They sucked the warmth and happiness from a place, and this was the place where they were most abundant. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to live here. As Minister for Magic, I had many duties, some pleasant, some… less pleasant, but performing routine checks on Azkaban was my least favourite.
   I hated seeing the prisoners, crouched up against the wall, rocking back and forth in anguish, staring at me with dull yet accusing eyes, muttering things only mad people understood, their thin limbs wrapped around their gaunt bodies to preserve whatever little body heat they had left. I hated seeing them suffer, no matter what they had done. They were my fellow witches and wizards, and they were being punished in a way that I thought far too harsh. I hated the Dementors. They were Dark creatures by definition, and secretly I agreed with Dumbledore that the Ministry may have been… misguided in our alliance with them.
   Sometimes I considered cutting them loose.
   Ha, as if I could. Most of our kind only felt safe because the prisoners were guarded closely in Azkaban by the foul things. The press would have a field day. "Minister shows disregard for civilian safety," they would say. "Security in Azkaban drops dramatically." Then I would be the one to be cut loose, the Dementors would be reinstated, and it would all be for nothing.
No, it was better to continue putting on a brave face and assuring everyone that the Dementors were fine, that they were our allies now…
   "Minister?"
   I straightened. Right, the check. Chin up, Fudge, I reminded myself. With as much dignity as I could muster, I walked into the prison. Checking the walls, the bars, the prisoners…
   The prisoners. I couldn't bear the vengeful looks they sent me. Half of them in there didn't deserve to be. They had done terrible things, yes. They ought to be isolated from society, yes. They should be punished, yes. But not like this. Never like this. I knew I deserved every dirty look they sent my way. It was my fault they were in there. But not because I wanted to put them there! Didn't anyone understand that I was under pressure?! Especially Dumbledore, the blasted man, patronising me in that irritatingly calm way of his. He wasn't the Minister. He didn't understand the political pressure being pushed upon me every cursed moment of my day.
   I walked past each cell, and gazed at every hunched body in every cell. As I passed, each head raised to look at me. I averted my gaze.
   Then I came across the last cell.
   His cell.
   I knew something was different as soon as I walked up to the barred door. Yes, he was hunched over, like every other prisoner. But instead of simply raising his head in acknowledgement of my presence, he struggled to his feet. He stood.
   No other prisoner had been able to muster up the strength to stand in Azkaban. Not with the Dementors around. But he stood. And he inclined his head politely but coolly in my direction.
   "Good day, Minister."
   I noticed he didn't say, "Good morning." Of course not. There was no perception of time in Azkaban. It was always dark and cold.
   "Good day, Black." Well, if he could remain civil.
   "I'd love to invite you in for a cup of tea, but as you may have noticed, there are rather slim pickings here."
   Sarcastic as always. I was surprised he could manage it. "Thank you, Black, but I'm in rather a hurry, anyway."
   "Of course. But I wonder if you could spare your newspaper. You see, I miss doing the crossword." He looked at me inquiringly with those sunken eyes.
   What a strange request. But then, Black had always been a strange man. "Yes, of course. Would you like a quill to complete it with?" Why not humour him?
   "Oh, no thank you, Minister. I can remember the answers. There isn't much to do in Azkaban but train your memory. Besides, I suspect you lot at the Ministry would believe that a high security prisoner like me would somehow turn a quill into a mass-murder weapon."
   There was that dry humour again. He was right, of course. There would be uproar if I so much as gave the man a toothpick. I couldn't see any harm in handing over the paper, though. What could he do with that, make an origami swan?
   "Thank you, Minister. Enjoy your day."
   "I will, thank you, Black. Good day to you." I walked away, thoroughly rattled. I never thought I'd see the day when I was disturbed to find someone far too normal.
Second: [link]

Short chapter, but I plan for this to be a rather long story.
In the view of Fudge. Each chapter will be in the view of a different character.
Chapter title: Strange how normal.
Enjoy.

eta: Not sure if I'll continue this... if you want me to drop me a comment and I'll see XD
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:iconh-a-cooke:
H-A-Cooke Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
VISION: 5/5

You've taken a much written scene and turned it into a deep analysis of Fudge as a person, rather than focusing it on Sirius. It's nice to see into the mind of a character - Cornelius Fudge - who isn't given credit in the original series. 


ORIGINALITY: 4/5

The scene is much used in fanficiton. However, this perspective into Fudge's compassion really struck me as a fan and a reader. You manage to present the political climate, Dumbledore's opinions, Fudge's opinions and Fudge's relationship with Dubmledore without going into extraneous detail. You balance Fudge out into a well-rounded person rather than the sniveling fool he was written as in the books.



TECHNIQUE: 3/5 (I am going to explain in detail each comment I make, especially since this is a long fiction piece.) 

PARAGRAPHS:  As your story appears now, it is difficult to read because there is no space between paragraphs. At the end of every paragraph hit [Enter] so that paragraphs are surrounded by white space, it will make it easier on the eyes for the reader.

DIALOGUE: Even though you put context to who is speaking there needs to be white space between each part of dialogue, goes along with the previous comment about Paragraphs. 

GRAMMAR/ PUNCTUATION/SENTENCE STRUCTURE

1. "As Minister of Magic, I had many duties. Some pleasant, some less pleasant, but performing routine checks on Azkaban was my least favourite."

:bulletpurple: "Minister for Magic" - the correct title from the books is  "Minister of Magic." It is a small knit-pick but helps your story to be more accurate. 

:bulletorange: "I had many duties."  You can play around with sentence structure and make a thought out of "Some pleasant, some less pleasant." 

:bulletred: "Some pleasant, some less pleasant,"  An Ellips is used to indicate a thought trailing off or the presence of an interrupted sentence. This sentence is neither of these, so taking it out would be more correct and succinct. 

2. " I hated seeing the prisoners crouched up against the wall rocking back and forth in anguish- staring at me with dull yet accusing eyes-muttering things only mad people understood. Their thin arms wrapped around their gaunt bodies to preserve what body heat they had left."

:bulletred: "I hated seeing prisoners crouched up against the wall rocking back forth in anguish..."  The commas after the words 'prisoner' and 'wall' are not needed, in fact they create an awkwardly broken up sentence. If you think of commas as pauses, speak the sentence out loud and pause briefly before continuing at ever comma. 

:bulletorange: "...in anguish - staring at me with dull accusing eyes - muttering things only made people understood."   Several difference here. FIRST: The use of dashes before 'staring' and after 'eyes' cues the reader into a needed 'tangent' within the sentence - since the real focus is on the rocking and muttering.

:bulletorange: "Their thin arms wrapped around their gaunt bodies to preserve what body heat they had left."   Mostly words were added and taken away to create a clearer progression. The extraneous words were "limbs (a non-specific that took away from the imagery you used)", "whatever (changed to 'what'), and "little (taken out because you've already described the cold atmosphere and your imagery supplies the assumption that the prisoners aren't warm)".   

3. "...that the Ministry may have been misguided..." (added ellipses are to signal that the selection was taken from a larger sentence.

:bulletred:  "that the Ministry may have misguided"  An Ellips is used to indicate a thought trailing off or the presence of an interrupted sentence. This sentence is neither of these, so taking it out would be more correct and succinct. 

4. "Most people only felt safe because the prisoners were guarded closely in Azkaban by the foul things. "

:bulletgreen: "Most people only felt safe."   The use of "our kind" is strange coming from Fudge, as that phrase is just the same of someone saying to Fudge "your kind." You can call witches and wizards 'people' to change the tone of the sentence. 

5. "I walked past each cell and gazed at every hunched body."

:bulletblue: Omit "in every cell."   There is no need to repeat the same phrase at the end of the sentence. You already establish that he's looking into each cell with the phrase 'I walked past each cell.

:bulletred: Remove Comma:  Remove the comma between cell and gazed. "Gazed at every hunched body" is not an independent clause, it depends on the sentence before. 

6. "His cell."

:bulletred: This phrase is clearly meant to be accented. You can make it stand out by italicizing 'His' to indicate that the prisoner is the focus and 'shock value' of the scene. 


IMPACT: 5/5

Your small chapter really brings out the compassion and pride in Cornelious Fudge, in a way that contrasts to Sirius' personality. It creates a believable and intriguing exchange.  I enjoy it very much. 

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:iconfairybubblepuppy:
FairyBubblePuppy Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you so much for taking the time to critique, especially since your comment is so long and obviously well-thought out. I really appreciate the tips you've given me and will definitely take them into account when next writing.
Cheers,
~FBP
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:iconh-a-cooke:
H-A-Cooke Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome! Your deviation was next in my folder (all the way on page 7 - which means it's been sitting in there forever) for a Critique and I really enjoyed the perspective and that you created a full person out of Fudge. 
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:iconfairybubblepuppy:
FairyBubblePuppy Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2013  Student Writer
I'm glad to hear! That's definitely what I was going for because he is usually seen more as a plot device rather than an actual person. I didn't like that, so I decided to do my best to change it. Thanks once again! :)
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:iconh-a-cooke:
H-A-Cooke Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
If you like Harry Potter (lol I'm sure you do) you should check out *the-mind-of-kleinnak and his story Harriet Potter Adventures! Sart with year 1 and reexplore HP from a feminie perspective.
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:iconfairybubblepuppy:
FairyBubblePuppy Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Student Writer
Oh, yeah! I have read some of those - they are very good. the-mind-of-kleinnak and I actually watch each other, which is great as we can exchange tips, etc. Thanks for the rec!
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:iconh-a-cooke:
H-A-Cooke Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome! I am one of the editors for Harriet Potter Adventures. Hm...do you by chance edit/know anyone who is a good at it? 

I am currently trying to find an editor for my fanfiction (mostly Harry Potter at the moment) and have been dead ending! 
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:iconfairybubblepuppy:
FairyBubblePuppy Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2013  Student Writer
Unfortunately no - in better times, I might be happy to edit it, however I haven't the time or mood right now :( Good luck finding an editor, though! :)
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(1 Reply)
:iconmoonrays64:
moonrays64 Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012
this is great
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:iconfairybubblepuppy:
FairyBubblePuppy Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Student Writer
Thanks very much :)
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