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Second: [link]

Short chapter, but I plan for this to be a rather long story.
In the view of Fudge. Each chapter will be in the view of a different character.
Chapter title: Strange how normal.
Enjoy.

eta: Not sure if I'll continue this... if you want me to drop me a comment and I'll see XD
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:iconh-a-cooke:
H-A-Cooke Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
VISION: 5/5

You've taken a much written scene and turned it into a deep analysis of Fudge as a person, rather than focusing it on Sirius. It's nice to see into the mind of a character - Cornelius Fudge - who isn't given credit in the original series. 


ORIGINALITY: 4/5

The scene is much used in fanficiton. However, this perspective into Fudge's compassion really struck me as a fan and a reader. You manage to present the political climate, Dumbledore's opinions, Fudge's opinions and Fudge's relationship with Dubmledore without going into extraneous detail. You balance Fudge out into a well-rounded person rather than the sniveling fool he was written as in the books.



TECHNIQUE: 3/5 (I am going to explain in detail each comment I make, especially since this is a long fiction piece.) 

PARAGRAPHS:  As your story appears now, it is difficult to read because there is no space between paragraphs. At the end of every paragraph hit [Enter] so that paragraphs are surrounded by white space, it will make it easier on the eyes for the reader.

DIALOGUE: Even though you put context to who is speaking there needs to be white space between each part of dialogue, goes along with the previous comment about Paragraphs. 

GRAMMAR/ PUNCTUATION/SENTENCE STRUCTURE

1. "As Minister of Magic, I had many duties. Some pleasant, some less pleasant, but performing routine checks on Azkaban was my least favourite."

:bulletpurple: "Minister for Magic" - the correct title from the books is  "Minister of Magic." It is a small knit-pick but helps your story to be more accurate. 

:bulletorange: "I had many duties."  You can play around with sentence structure and make a thought out of "Some pleasant, some less pleasant." 

:bulletred: "Some pleasant, some less pleasant,"  An Ellips is used to indicate a thought trailing off or the presence of an interrupted sentence. This sentence is neither of these, so taking it out would be more correct and succinct. 

2. " I hated seeing the prisoners crouched up against the wall rocking back and forth in anguish- staring at me with dull yet accusing eyes-muttering things only mad people understood. Their thin arms wrapped around their gaunt bodies to preserve what body heat they had left."

:bulletred: "I hated seeing prisoners crouched up against the wall rocking back forth in anguish..."  The commas after the words 'prisoner' and 'wall' are not needed, in fact they create an awkwardly broken up sentence. If you think of commas as pauses, speak the sentence out loud and pause briefly before continuing at ever comma. 

:bulletorange: "...in anguish - staring at me with dull accusing eyes - muttering things only made people understood."   Several difference here. FIRST: The use of dashes before 'staring' and after 'eyes' cues the reader into a needed 'tangent' within the sentence - since the real focus is on the rocking and muttering.

:bulletorange: "Their thin arms wrapped around their gaunt bodies to preserve what body heat they had left."   Mostly words were added and taken away to create a clearer progression. The extraneous words were "limbs (a non-specific that took away from the imagery you used)", "whatever (changed to 'what'), and "little (taken out because you've already described the cold atmosphere and your imagery supplies the assumption that the prisoners aren't warm)".   

3. "...that the Ministry may have been misguided..." (added ellipses are to signal that the selection was taken from a larger sentence.

:bulletred:  "that the Ministry may have misguided"  An Ellips is used to indicate a thought trailing off or the presence of an interrupted sentence. This sentence is neither of these, so taking it out would be more correct and succinct. 

4. "Most people only felt safe because the prisoners were guarded closely in Azkaban by the foul things. "

:bulletgreen: "Most people only felt safe."   The use of "our kind" is strange coming from Fudge, as that phrase is just the same of someone saying to Fudge "your kind." You can call witches and wizards 'people' to change the tone of the sentence. 

5. "I walked past each cell and gazed at every hunched body."

:bulletblue: Omit "in every cell."   There is no need to repeat the same phrase at the end of the sentence. You already establish that he's looking into each cell with the phrase 'I walked past each cell.

:bulletred: Remove Comma:  Remove the comma between cell and gazed. "Gazed at every hunched body" is not an independent clause, it depends on the sentence before. 

6. "His cell."

:bulletred: This phrase is clearly meant to be accented. You can make it stand out by italicizing 'His' to indicate that the prisoner is the focus and 'shock value' of the scene. 


IMPACT: 5/5

Your small chapter really brings out the compassion and pride in Cornelious Fudge, in a way that contrasts to Sirius' personality. It creates a believable and intriguing exchange.  I enjoy it very much. 

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:iconfairybubblepuppy:
FairyBubblePuppy Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2013  Student General Artist
Thank you so much for taking the time to critique, especially since your comment is so long and obviously well-thought out. I really appreciate the tips you've given me and will definitely take them into account when next writing.
Cheers,
~FBP
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:iconh-a-cooke:
H-A-Cooke Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome! Your deviation was next in my folder (all the way on page 7 - which means it's been sitting in there forever) for a Critique and I really enjoyed the perspective and that you created a full person out of Fudge. 
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:iconfairybubblepuppy:
FairyBubblePuppy Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2013  Student General Artist
I'm glad to hear! That's definitely what I was going for because he is usually seen more as a plot device rather than an actual person. I didn't like that, so I decided to do my best to change it. Thanks once again! :)
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:iconh-a-cooke:
H-A-Cooke Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
If you like Harry Potter (lol I'm sure you do) you should check out *the-mind-of-kleinnak and his story Harriet Potter Adventures! Sart with year 1 and reexplore HP from a feminie perspective.
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:iconfairybubblepuppy:
FairyBubblePuppy Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Student General Artist
Oh, yeah! I have read some of those - they are very good. the-mind-of-kleinnak and I actually watch each other, which is great as we can exchange tips, etc. Thanks for the rec!
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:iconh-a-cooke:
H-A-Cooke Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome! I am one of the editors for Harriet Potter Adventures. Hm...do you by chance edit/know anyone who is a good at it? 

I am currently trying to find an editor for my fanfiction (mostly Harry Potter at the moment) and have been dead ending! 
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:iconfairybubblepuppy:
FairyBubblePuppy Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2013  Student General Artist
Unfortunately no - in better times, I might be happy to edit it, however I haven't the time or mood right now :( Good luck finding an editor, though! :)
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(1 Reply)
:iconmoonrays64:
moonrays64 Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012
this is great
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:iconfairybubblepuppy:
FairyBubblePuppy Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Student General Artist
Thanks very much :)
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:iconmoonrays64:
moonrays64 Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012
you're welcome!
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:iconelicandy:
elicandy Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2012
this is really good :) I want to see how the story continuess!!
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:iconfairybubblepuppy:
FairyBubblePuppy Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2012  Student General Artist
Thank you <3 Unfortunately I've discontinued the series, but I have written (and will continue to write) some other interpretations of events that were mentioned in the books but weren't shown. You can find them in my Fanfiction folder :)
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:iconelicandy:
elicandy Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2012
:saddummy: Well, I have read some of your other fanfics and they are really good :D
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:iconfairybubblepuppy:
FairyBubblePuppy Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2012  Student General Artist
Oh, thank you very much :hug:
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:iconelicandy:
elicandy Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2012
you're welcome :D
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:iconfairybubblepuppy:
FairyBubblePuppy Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Student General Artist
Oh- Not sure if you are still interested, but I did write more of Sirius's story here: [link] :)
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:iconelicandy:
elicandy Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012
i am interested! I'll check it out as soon as I can ;)
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:iconfairybubblepuppy:
FairyBubblePuppy Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Student General Artist
Great! :D :D
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:icondeaththekid85:
Deaththekid85 Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2012  Student General Artist
This is awesome Plz continue
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:iconfairybubblepuppy:
FairyBubblePuppy Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2012  Student General Artist
Chances are I will write more about his story, but I won't write it in any particular order. Just random stuff because I love Sirius :)
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:icondeaththekid85:
Deaththekid85 Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2012  Student General Artist
Awesome love reading ur fics...I like Sirius to :)
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:iconfairybubblepuppy:
FairyBubblePuppy Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2012  Student General Artist
:)
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:icondeaththekid85:
Deaththekid85 Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2012  Student General Artist
;-)
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:iconday79:
day79 Featured By Owner May 11, 2012  Professional Writer
20 Points. I think, maybe 10. Can't remember.
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:iconfairybubblepuppy:
FairyBubblePuppy Featured By Owner May 11, 2012  Student General Artist
:3
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:iconday79:
day79 Featured By Owner May 12, 2012  Professional Writer
I will check.
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